My first Mother’s day after Bailey was stillborn I moved through the day in slow motion. I felt like I was seeing scenes in a movie. I felt like I was pretending, celebrating for others, feeling Joy for the children in my arms, the gratefulness for my own mother, the hope of the new baby inside of me but the sorrow of the one I was missing.
The year before I had celebrated mother’s day looking forward to our newest member of the family. I had been congratulated and told “this time next year there will be three”. But three weren’t here. People saying the exact same words to me..... While I silently screamed “what about my son?” The pain when people didn’t acknowledge him, the tears of joy and sadness when they did.
Visiting the cemetery and being stunned by the number of visitors. The sorrow of others again, mixed with joy being with him. Watching people visit their mothers, aunties, grandmothers sites, and then others, mothers like me, visiting their babies, their children. Families uniting the only way we can.
To be honest I still don’t know how I survived that day. I know there were a lot of tears, snippets of happiness and a lot of fear. Would the next year be the same, one more baby being visited at the cemetery or would there be one in my arms.
Each year we visit my Bailey’s memorial site on Mothers’ day, and now, Joy is more than sorrow. The ache of empty arms is still there, but yet they are holding a child. I was a mother before my son was stillborn; I have since had a rainbow baby. I am a mother, but I am also a bereaved mother.
I have a mother’s heart.
Sunday May 3 is International Bereaved Mothers day. I found that being with other others who knew this loss saved my Sanity. I joined Carly Marie’s Bereaved Mothers day the Year after Bailey died. Mother’s day changed for me, but I became stronger with support. I encourage you to head over and join her event.